Wednesday, February 12All That Matters

Not sure if I want to try this or not…

42 Comments

  • This reminds me of my encounter with the “Super Juicy Pickle From Hell.”

    I was eating lunch with my middle school friends one day, when two of them started whispering to each other through mischievous grins. The rest of us were probably supposed to notice their little conspiracy, so I asked them what was so damned interesting. In response, one of them – Peter – pulled a styrofoam container from within his backpack, then held it out for everyone to examine. It had been inscribed with a crudely drawn biohazard symbol, and various cautionary labels marked the contents as (like I mentioned) a “Super Juicy Pickle From Hell.” Apparently, Peter and his cohort had gone out to dinner together the night before, and they had received these… food items… with their meals. Peter had encouraged his companion to consume his first, as a sort of test subject for the edibility of the thing.

    According to Peter, it had taken a solid fifteen minutes for the screaming to stop.

    Well, being the spice aficionado that I regarded myself at the time, I figured that I could handle the doom-pickle’s wrath with considerably more grace. When I said as much, Peter handed me the container, already stifling his laughter. He even offered me five dollars if I could eat the whole thing, which really should have been a warning sign. Still, with all that buildup, I was rather disappointed when I opened the case: Inside was a wrinkled green pepper, only about two inches long. With everyone present watching me, I picked up the item, took a bite, and swallowed.

    A moment passed in silence. “This isn’t so bad!” I laughed. With a triumphant smile, I bit the rest of the pepper from its stem and swallowed. Looks of disappointment started to darken my friends’ faces… but then, I felt a tiny, almost imperceptible tingle at the back of my throat. Not wanting to be denied my five dollars, I opened my eyes wide and said “Oh, wow!” for dramatic effect.

    Peter was still grinning expectantly, even though he had obviously seen through my act. In fact, it only seemed to amuse him more… and I soon found out why, because the heat in my mouth increased by quite a bit. It still wasn’t as spicy as some other dishes that I’d sampled, but was a tad more piquant than I’d have preferred.

    Suddenly, the world went *white*.

    Everything around me became an intensely bright blur. I could feel my *hair* aching… but nothing – no sensation in the world – compared to the blinding, excruciating nova of agony that my mouth had become. I faintly remember my arms flailing and my feet pounding as I ran in circles, screaming like a baby being chased by the whole of Hell. Unfortunately, it seemed that Hell had already caught up with me, and had taken residence atop my tongue. Behind my screams, I could hear the laughter of my friends as they watched me tear across the dirt, grabbing at the air as though it was offering me a fire extinguisher.

    This was before the age of camera phones, but I am certain that everyone who was present has a perfect mental video of the event. Finally, out of either mercy or annoyance, Peter managed to acquire a candy bar, which I unwrapped and shoved in my mouth. Oddly enough, it actually helped to control the blaze raging behind my teeth, but not before my taste buds had been almost entirely fried.

    Anyway, it wasn’t much fun when it came out the other end, either.

    **TL;DR: Powerful pepper prompts panicked pain, precedes apocalyptic pooping.**

  • I have it. It’s ok. Its pretty hot and the heat stays in your mouth after. Kind of ruins the taste for me as I like heat but this is hot for the sake of hot, yknow what I mean? Still, I’d recommend to try. Its $18 on prime. And no, I didn’t shit the bed lmao

  • If I ever have to name a hot sauce, I’m going to hire the guy that comes up with the names for weed.

    “This is Blueberry Skywalker Brownie Blitz”

    Why?

    “Because it tastes like cherries, man.”

  • In case you are legitimately interested in this sauce, I tried it for a week and wrote a thorough review online. In short, on the first day I ate it, I shit the bed. On the second day of eating it, I shit the bed. For the remainder of the week I abstained from eating it but continued to shit the bed each night. As it turns out, I just enjoy shitting the bed.

  • I have used about 1 bottle every 6 months of this hot sauce for about 5 years. For people who like hot, this hot sauce has a great flavor. The flavor is smokey and complex.

    Novelty and funny name aside, this is a truly excellent hot sauce. For me, I generally don’t use this in a glub, glub, glub manor as you would with Tapitio, shaking a teaspoon (5ml) to a tablespoon (15ml) on a taco. With as hot as *Shit-the-bed* is, I put maybe 10 drops on the taco shell before I fill it. I spread the 10 drips of hot sauce around the taco shell with my finger, then I fill the taco with meat, veggies, and cheese.

    Don’t forget to wash your hands well after this, with soap, so you don’t burn your eyes the next time you rub them.

    I highly recommend you try this novelty named hot sauce… if you truly like heat.

  • I like hot sauces but stay away from the ones whose labels have flaming toilets, skeletons and the grim reaper.

    I stick with ones who have pictures of peppers or kindly Mexican women.

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